Life at 18

What to expect when growing up

31/1/2018

Hello, so today's blog will be about reaching adulthood, mostly based on my own experiences. So if you can relate, yay if you can't, yay and if you just want to read? also yay.

So I'll briefly introduce myself before I start anything now. I'm currently a year 1 student in Polytechnic reaching year 2 in April. Thankfully, I'm in a course that I love. I'm doing what I love but truthfully it's hard to manage.

Why? How can I do what I'm passionate about yet dreading almost every single day? Why is it hard for me to manage?

Well, of course, assignments, deadlines and losing sleep to keep up with deadlines. Of course, I blame my time-management and how I actually control my laziness to do assignments.

My course is based on designing in digital media. I film, do graphic-designing, edit videos, model characters and do animation. They are all fun modules, I admit it. But another reason contribuiting to why is it so hard for me to manage, is my skills.

Designing is complicated. It takes a lot of process and effort and sometimes, you spend lots of time refining your creations/ artworks having to look like it has no effort at all.

That's me.

I'm not proud of my artworks at all no matter what because the outcome is always ugly. But then, why am I in school for? Yes to learn but it's just hard having to come from a background with no experiences related to art and hence, i'm struggling in school too.

But all of that boring information aside, it's my responsibility to practice and make use of my school to improve on myself with my portfolio and also how I am as a person.

Now, I'll go deeper into Polytechnic life.

It's just your typical and usual college life, everyone rushes for classes, transformed into zombies, you're all on your own and.......... wait... i need to stress that again. YOU ARE ALL ON YOUR OWN.

I'm not talking about this because of how I don't have friends/ supportive people. I do, i really am thankful but if you think about this through, everyone will be busy and drained into their own lives that they forget about people around them.

What do I mean?

Ask yourself, do people check up on you when you're not okay or when you need them to? I mean, of course people will notice you if you fall down and need help as those are basic human things to do unless they are ignorant assholes.

But your mental health, your internal feelings.. do they know if you cry?

I don't know about you but if you actually have one who gives a shit about you 25/8 then please, hold onto him/her dearly. That's so rare.

Me,

I'm more than willing to give my all to one person

My dedication, my feelings, my empathy, sympathy, affection and most importantly I know I'll never get bored of one person

That's if he/she does the same to me

People may think I'm selfish

Arrogant

Overreacting

Easily jealous

Having lack of understanding and logic

But really, 

I know everyone has their own friends

Family

But

I need someone's all

I need attention

I need love

I need sympathy

I need someone

To understand me

And if I can't get all of that, then I want to be alone

Leave me

I'm not only talking about a significant other or whatever bullshit

But don't claim that you're my best friend, someone close to me and all that nonsense

When you don't even check up on me

When you give your love to someone else

And me

It's not going to happen

I don't want to be another one

I don't want to be treated like an option

And if I'm asking for too much

Please leave me the hell alone

All of the times I cried, in the toilet, in class 

And sometimes I couldn't even manage it

I burst into tears in public

Trying so damn hard to control myself and look normal

Am I asking too much

Am I being selfish

For wanting all of these

I'm tired

Having to write this post right after breaking down

You don't even know

You'll never understand

How jealousy takes so much effort in me

Or why do I feel this way

Why am I so clingy

I can just be detached

In any second

But I can't :')

But that's adulthood

You cry and you just think that you're wasting time

So you just have to act like things are fine

Mostly everybody does not care for you

And that's fine

Know your self worth and how amazing you are

All you have is

Yourself