LIES

You're never gonna love me, so what's the use?
What's the point in playing a game you're gonna lose?
What's the point in saying you love me like a friend?
What's the point in saying it's never gonna end?

You're too proud to say that you've made a mistake
You're a coward 'til the end
I don't wanna admit, but we're not gonna fit
No, I'm not the type that you like
Why don't we just pretend?

Lies, don't wanna know, don't wanna know 
I can't let you go, can't let you go 
I just want it to be perfect
To believe it's all been worth the fight
Lies, don't wanna know, don't wanna know 

You only ever touch me 
In the dark
Only if we're drinking can you see my spark
And only in the evening could you give yourself to me
'Cause the night is your woman, and she'll set you free

You're too proud to say that you've made a mistake
You're a coward 'til the end
I don't wanna admit, but we're not gonna fit
No, I'm not the type that you like
Why don't we just pretend?

Lies, don't wanna know, don't wanna know 
I can't let you go, can't let you go 
I just want it to be perfect
To believe it's all been worth the fight
Lies, don't wanna know, don't wanna know 

Lies, don't wanna know, don't wanna know 
I can't let you go, can't let you go 
I just want it to be perfect
To believe it's all been worth the fight
Lies, don't wanna know, don't wanna know

Having to lose myself in this world to the point that I question things that I'm not supposed to question😔 What's wrong with me, why can't I get things right? Even if I try, it goes wrong😩 things either fall or people will see the bad side instead😣 It's just so hard to make everyone happy... I don't want to try so hard and in fact I don't have to.. I always do the very best for myself and I always set rules to know how valuable I am and I won't tolerate if people don't treat me how I deserve to be but it seems like I'm letting things to happen to me, allowing people to hurt me just because I broke the promise to myself which is to... take care of myself😩😔 where... where is the emotionless me... I just seem to miss the old me because I never get my heart broken but now I changed and I want to care for people but it's just a disappointment :-( why did I even open myself? My love was just bulletproof but it seems like I'm getting shot everytime I try to open up to people... I've never felt so down and numb..

Do they know?

Do they know

How you suffer

What you been through

How you feel

They hurt you

Abused you

Didn't think of your feelings

They kept asking

Are you okay?

And you said you were fine

You said you weren't hurt at all

But you cried

And you look fine

You always do

Do they know that?

Do they care

Do they help

Do they understand

Do they know?

Life at 18

What to expect when growing up

31/1/2018

Hello, so today's blog will be about reaching adulthood, mostly based on my own experiences. So if you can relate, yay if you can't, yay and if you just want to read? also yay.

So I'll briefly introduce myself before I start anything now. I'm currently a year 1 student in Polytechnic reaching year 2 in April. Thankfully, I'm in a course that I love. I'm doing what I love but truthfully it's hard to manage.

Why? How can I do what I'm passionate about yet dreading almost every single day? Why is it hard for me to manage?

Well, of course, assignments, deadlines and losing sleep to keep up with deadlines. Of course, I blame my time-management and how I actually control my laziness to do assignments.

My course is based on designing in digital media. I film, do graphic-designing, edit videos, model characters and do animation. They are all fun modules, I admit it. But another reason contribuiting to why is it so hard for me to manage, is my skills.

Designing is complicated. It takes a lot of process and effort and sometimes, you spend lots of time refining your creations/ artworks having to look like it has no effort at all.

That's me.

I'm not proud of my artworks at all no matter what because the outcome is always ugly. But then, why am I in school for? Yes to learn but it's just hard having to come from a background with no experiences related to art and hence, i'm struggling in school too.

But all of that boring information aside, it's my responsibility to practice and make use of my school to improve on myself with my portfolio and also how I am as a person.

Now, I'll go deeper into Polytechnic life.

It's just your typical and usual college life, everyone rushes for classes, transformed into zombies, you're all on your own and.......... wait... i need to stress that again. YOU ARE ALL ON YOUR OWN.

I'm not talking about this because of how I don't have friends/ supportive people. I do, i really am thankful but if you think about this through, everyone will be busy and drained into their own lives that they forget about people around them.

What do I mean?

Ask yourself, do people check up on you when you're not okay or when you need them to? I mean, of course people will notice you if you fall down and need help as those are basic human things to do unless they are ignorant assholes.

But your mental health, your internal feelings.. do they know if you cry?

I don't know about you but if you actually have one who gives a shit about you 25/8 then please, hold onto him/her dearly. That's so rare.

Me,

I'm more than willing to give my all to one person

My dedication, my feelings, my empathy, sympathy, affection and most importantly I know I'll never get bored of one person

That's if he/she does the same to me

People may think I'm selfish

Arrogant

Overreacting

Easily jealous

Having lack of understanding and logic

But really, 

I know everyone has their own friends

Family

But

I need someone's all

I need attention

I need love

I need sympathy

I need someone

To understand me

And if I can't get all of that, then I want to be alone

Leave me

I'm not only talking about a significant other or whatever bullshit

But don't claim that you're my best friend, someone close to me and all that nonsense

When you don't even check up on me

When you give your love to someone else

And me

It's not going to happen

I don't want to be another one

I don't want to be treated like an option

And if I'm asking for too much

Please leave me the hell alone

All of the times I cried, in the toilet, in class 

And sometimes I couldn't even manage it

I burst into tears in public

Trying so damn hard to control myself and look normal

Am I asking too much

Am I being selfish

For wanting all of these

I'm tired

Having to write this post right after breaking down

You don't even know

You'll never understand

How jealousy takes so much effort in me

Or why do I feel this way

Why am I so clingy

I can just be detached

In any second

But I can't :')

But that's adulthood

You cry and you just think that you're wasting time

So you just have to act like things are fine

Mostly everybody does not care for you

And that's fine

Know your self worth and how amazing you are

All you have is

Yourself

Am I bad?

For wanting peace and amity

To be chill, calm, cool and collected

To seek love with those around me

In the past, I wake up everyday

Thinking I can survive alone

Eat alone, sleep alone, have fun alone and stand tall alone

Am I bad, to be self-reliant

Living on one's hump

Giving all of the love I have

To myself?

What makes me think that

The people around me can give me 

The love and attention that I've been giving

To myself?

Am I bad

For not communicating, loving others and be in touch?

If I do

Will they ever understand how I feel?

What I need?

Be in my shoes

Or will they just torture me

And never understand me

And get mad at me?

I'm paranoid

I always feel empty in the end of the day, whenever I'm around people

But I've never felt empty, when I know I have myself

If they want to leave, then leave

As long as I know, that I'm here

I'll give a person more than they need

If they put me as a priority

If they show me affection

Care for me

Have sympathy

Empathy

Everyone has friends

Family

People they talk to

But honestly

Who deserves your attention? Time? 

And love?

The people who you see and talk to everyday?

Or

The people who checks up on you

Even when you don't need them to?

Who is down for you 25/8?

Do they care when it's too late?

Or only when they feel offended of your posts stating how lonely you are? How screwed up you are?

Everyone is busy, with their lives

Nobody has time to check up on a person every single minute

But is it actually impossible?

To be all giving to a person who you truly love?

To not give up at all? 

I think you can

Overall, it takes two hands two clap

If you actually have one

Who checks up on you 

Who talk things out

Who cares

Who understands you

Who doesn't get mad about the way you behave, act or think

Who tries to figure out what's wrong

Keep him/her

Be it a family member,

Friend

Significant other

Pen Pal

And most importantly, yourself

You're lucky

You have a reason to live

Be your own best friend

Love others

Put others before you

Have sincerity

And be nice to one another

Be a good friend

A good partner

A good family

If you ever have to bottle up your emotions

And feel like no one understands

I'm here

You're never alone

And I love you

Stay tall, have pride with yourself

Love yourself like how I do, always

Good Afternoon my fellow dudes!

I'm actually very busy at the moment but a smart part of me tells me to create a blog! but for now, maybe i shall share some things about myself that probably you don't care about?

I'm currently a young adult thinking of taking over the world.

jk

I love pizza

I want to make the world smarter even though i'm dumb

I think that there is a lack of humanity in this world.

I think that people can make the stupidest things relevant to life.

I'm pretty straightforward so i'm a big fan of honesty and a big hater of lies.

I respect people that has their life together, fiercely independent, honest and very reliable.

I hate people that abuse people and animals. Or living things in general.

I love people that has passion in something they love.

I want to teach people to be a feminist at some point.

I love Emma Watson and she is my role model.

I will continue blogging some other time. Be nice to one another.